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Dating |
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There are a lot of reality TV shows that focus on dating or relationships in general, and I'll be the first to admit there aren't any that I watch regularly. But after a quick mention in the dating forums by a regular poster, I had to go and find out more about a show that, to me, sounded different. This wasn't a series that focused on one's physical attributes or even drama. Rather, its a show that investigates attraction and chemistry, minus one's physical appearance - and how much looks matter when it comes to love and dating. So I was pleased to see that said show, Dating in the Dark, has been picked up for a second season according to Digital Spy. Now, I'm pretty sure that the first comment to this blog post will be something along the lines of, "Why do I care?" So let me explain the premise of the show. Three men and three women spend a week at a shared house where they go on a handful of dates - in total darkness - with either the person they are the most compatible with based on a matchmaker's determination, or the person they want to get to know the most. At the end of the week, each person gets to see the one date they are the most interested in, and then they decide whether or not things will continue 'in the light' or not. The premise sounds simple, and really it is. There's little drama, although angst and butterflies are common amongst the participants. More than a few share first kisses or get to know each other in ways that few would if meeting while seeing each other. But what's so compelling about the show is the agreements the singles make with themselves - I can't date a larger woman, I won't date a guy shorter than me - and then watching how they actually pan out in reality. Does it really matter in the end? Somewhat surprisingly to me, for the men it really didn't - but for the women it did. Sure that's a generalization, but more women than men said no thanks to their real-world dates, and almost all because of the agreements they'd made with themselves. The men, however, were swayed by the connection and/or personality of their partner more often than not, which unfortunately left more than a few waiting by themselves while their dates left the house alone. So why does this matter? Dating in the Dark is the kind of show that, I feel, should be watched by singles everywhere who are complaining they can't meet someone special, or who say there are no 'good ones' left. Because not only is the show fascinating to watch and predict what happens next, but it also shines a somewhat harsh light on the relationship expectations many of us use to stay single. Related: Would You Date Someone Who Is Plain?, Dating in the Dark Gets Picked Up for Another Season originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, April 1st, 2010 at 01:45:41.Permalink | Comment | Email this
Several years ago I dated a man who told me that he'd had a run in with genital warts. He told me well before anything intimate happened, and he assured me that it had been taken care of. He also had a clean bill of health to prove it and wanted to know if we'd go to the STD clinic together to get tested. Compare that experience to a male client of mine, who recently told me that the woman he's been dating for three months just advised him - in the heat of the moment - that her previous boyfriend had given her herpes. They are now in discussions about what to do next. Horror stories abound on this topic, and my intention isn't to create fear. Rather, I'm curious as to what is okay and what isn't for someone with an STD when it comes to dating. Have you dated someone that has one, and it wasn't a big deal? Or was it a deal breaker? Are you someone with an STD who hasn't had a problem telling people, or has it been a difficult experience? More information about sexuality and STDs and STD Dating Sites.Would You Date Someone With an STD? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, May 27th, 2010 at 15:29:32.Permalink | Comment | Email this
A small paragraph in the book, "Are You Normal? About Love, Sex and Relationships?" by Bernice Kanner got me thinking today. In it, she quotes an unnamed research study that stated 34% of men and 39% of women have tried to attract someone by sharing a personal fantasy about the other person, with the gross majority of those who'd tried, succeeding (94% of the men and 98% of the women who had tried it). I really enjoy this book, because it gives a ton of interesting tidbits such as these. But there's no way for me to source the information unfortunately, as the only mention of where the information came from was found in the introduction to the book: :The giant ad agency Euro ESCG fielded many of my questions with its international survey, "Love and Lust." The Chicago-based ad agency Leo Burnett undertook many other parts of this survey. And I fleshed out the rest with surveys from as far afield as condom makers, car companies and health-care providers." I've scoured the net for the original sources, talked to reference librarians, all so far with no luck. But since the book was published in early 2004, isn't it time to revamp the stats anyway? And so readers, I am asking you: have you ever used a personal fantasy to attract a man or woman - and if so, was it successful? Feel free to share your comments as well if the answer choices don't quite fit your situation. Have You Ever Done This To Attract Someone? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, April 8th, 2010 at 20:05:03.Permalink | Comment | Email this
The Meetcha Live blog talked about divorce being catchy earlier in the month (see: Have you caught the divorce bug?) but I hear more about 'taking a break' than anything else these days. The problem is, most folks don't really know what taking a break really means, which leads to more heartache than I have time to counsel. One reader summed it up for me nicely the other day: "Taking a break means not cutting ties to each other, but postponing the relationship temporarily to see where things are at." I like the definition, other than the 'see where things are at' part, because its vague and doesn't list specifics. To me, taking a break means taking a step back from a relationship that isn't meeting one or both partner's needs, and reviewing how the relationship fits into their life picture over the long term. Its about re-evaluating or redefining the relationship without the stress of the relationship itself. The problem with 'taking a break' is that few people actually define what it means for their relationship. Does it mean one or both of you can see other people, or do you not want to muddy the waters with more? Can you contact each other (like texting), or do you really take a break from interacting on all levels? When does the break end, and how will either of you know it? What outcome(s) are one or both of you hoping for from taking a break, and do both parties know it? The only book I've read that tackles this touchy subject is one I've talked about briefly earlier this month: Don't Break Up, Make Up by Dr. Bonnie Weil (Buy Direct). In it, Weil suggests that couples she counsels take a break to save their relationship, and outlines specific requirements to ensure everyone's needs are met. For those of you currently taking a break, I highly recommend it. But what about you? Have you ever taken a break? Why? What happened? Was the outcome positive, or worth it to you? Why or why not? Related: Take a Dating Break, What Not To Do After a Breakup, Can You Break Up to Make Up?What Does 'Taking a Break' Mean? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Sunday, July 25th, 2010 at 23:04:31.Permalink | Comment | Email this
Have you ever had a friend that attracted people wherever they went, never seemed to stay single long, and were able to fall in love at the drop of a hat? Its almost like they were able to find not one, but several soulmates throughout their lives, and each one was a joy to be celebrated. I have a friend like this, and I've been fascinated with her luck with love throughout the years. There's nothing unhealthy or desperate about her loving nature; rather, she's centered and open minded to whatever comes her way. If she wanted to be in a relationship she never had any lack of suitors, and it was rare to find her without a partner. Even more interestingly, she stayed on good terms with most of her ex's, going so far as to set some up with other friends of hers because she felt they'd be a better match. I'll bet that most of us know someone like my friend who (seem to) effortlessly attract love relationships. But if that's the case, why aren't more of us who are seeking a date or mate following in their footsteps? Or, is it really a matter of being lucky in love, and nothing to do with the laws of attraction or how we present to the world? Related: How Much Do Looks Matter?, Would You Date Someone Who Is Plain?, Attraction Makes Us Dumb.Being 'Lucky' in Love originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, May 24th, 2010 at 00:30:15.Permalink | Comment | Email this
David Evans over at Online Dating Insider shared with his blog readers the other day that Match.com has released a new study, that says 30% of all marriages borne from online dating in the past three years in the US can be attributed to Match.com. Interestingly, when Evans contacted Match.com to discuss their findings, Match.com commented that they had the largest percentage of marriages than any other dating site. eHarmony's own admissions are that they account for 2% of all US marriages today, and Match.com's stats say that their site accounts for 4%. I'll admit that Match.com isn't one of my favorite dating sites. I had a bad experience with them in their early years, and have heard a lot of horror stories about the site through another blog post (see: Are There Fake Members Over at Match.com?). But this study is pretty convincing; I may have to give it another chance. How about you? Are you happy with Match.com? Would a study that shows a dating site is more successful than another prompt you to giving it a try, or do you have other criteria that are more important in your decision making process? To read the study in its entirety (opens to a PDF file): The Evolution of Dating: Match.com and Chadwick Martin Bailey Behavioral Studies Uncover a Fundamental Shift in How People Meet.Survey Says Match.com The Better Dating Site originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 02:32:28.Permalink | Comment | Email this
Occasionally, I receive an email or submission from a reader that shakes me. A few years ago it was the guy asking if it it was okay to "occasionally hit your girlfriend" - some of the responses to that post continue to haunt me - and today its a 16 year old girl and her abusive relationship, and how powerless she feels to get out of it. This story hits home to me because, as I've shared before, I too have been a victim of dating violence. He was my second boyfriend, I was in my late teens, and at the time I was too scared to ask for help for fear of retribution. Eventually the police became involved and I was able to get the support and counseling I needed. Years later I worked as an eligibility officer for the welfare system, and found myself dealing with young women - like the former version of myself - who were too scared to leave, but also terrified they (or their children) wouldn't make it out alive. This reader submission instantly took me back to that place of fear and helplessness, and wanting to help. I've already taken action to contact and locate the young woman, and have provided a list of teen crisis lines as well as resources for her to get out safely -- but I'd still like to hear from those of you who have been in a similar situation, or who have other suggestions and support. Feel free to leave messages in the comments section for any ideas specific to this woman's situation, or share your story of how you got out of an abusive relationship, and help other women feel supported and less alone. Related: What is Dating Violence?, Web of Friends (Teen Dating Violence Support Forum), How To Avoid Abusive Relationships (Teen Advice), Why Do I Keep Attracting Abusive Relationships? (Holistic Health) - National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
- National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
- Network for Battered Lesbians and Bisexual Women: 1-617-423-SAFE
- Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project: 1-800-832-1901
Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, May 14th, 2010 at 13:20:01.Permalink | Comment | Email this
Lindsay asks, "My guy and I have been dating over a year. We've had our rocky times and our good ones, but all in all its been pretty amazing. Recently however I found out he was meeting other women on dating sites and even kissed one of them. When I asked him what was going on, he said that he felt he wasn't wired for monogamy. He didn't want to hurt me, so he was relieved that it was all out in the open. He asked if I would consider an open relationship, where we both date other people but still stay together. He says he cares for me very much, and how he feels isn't a reflection on me. He also said he doesn't want to lose me, but he was scared I'd reject him for who he is. I'm hurt that he lied to me, and I'm confused about my role. Isn't this moving backwards to a casual relationship? I really care about this man, but I'm so confused. Help?" Well Lindsay, there are two ways to look at your situation. You can either consider your guy's request for an open relationship (learning more about what it means, and whether or not its something you can do) or you can say its not something for you and go your separate ways. Of course, that's easier said than done after a year or more of dating. Let me first say that an open relationship is very different than polyamory. I realize that you haven't mentioned this in your question, but bear with me for a second. Polyamory is the concept that we can love more than one person romantically, and at the same time. In my experience, most polyamorous relationships are open and everyone is aware of the other loves or partners, and there is a feeling of inclusiveness. Open relationships on the other hand can be polyamorous, but I find the term usually refers to more of a 'don't ask, don't tell' sort of policy, where both parties date other people with the other's knowledge. Open relationships are just that - open - so each person can really do as they please without having to answer to anyone else. Now, that's just my interpretation. Surely other readers will chime in and share their thoughts. But what I will say is that in my experience, polyamory is focused on love and affection, whereas open relationships are more come what may type experiences. I've also found that folks in poly relationships seem to communicate at a much higher level with their partners (out of necessity) whereas people in open relationships don't seem to share as much with regards to the status of where things are with other folks. The reason why I'm sharing this information with you is because I want you to know you have more than just two choices: leave or stay. You can also negotiate with your partner to redefine what you have so that the relationship works for both of you. I can't tell if you're open to this type of situation, and frankly, its a difficult road for even the most stable of relationships. But it is an option, and one worth discussing when things have cooled down a bit. For now, I'd suggest thinking about whether or not your guy's actions are something you can forgive - or at the very least understand. I'm not condoning his behavior, because I don't believe that lying is ever an answer. But I do believe that his actions have opened up a level of communication and honesty that the two of you probably haven't shared before, and it might be an opportunity for growth for both of you. And since you wouldn't be asking the question if you weren't considering (even a little bit) his proposal, I have to assume you're willing to negotiate. So with that in mind, I'd recommend first discussing with him the dishonesty aspect, and seeing if its a long term issue or a one-off event. Then I'd move into what you both see an open relationship as, what you need out of it, what can be negotiated and what are deal breakers. I'd also recommend that you speak with a counselor about your feelings, independently of your partner, and take some time to look at what you need from a partner, and whether or not your guy can, or is willing to give that to you. Finally, I'd take some time to nurture and be gentle with yourself, and give yourself some space and time to think without too much pressure from anyone. Dating Question - He Wants an Open Relationship originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, April 19th, 2010 at 16:32:50.Permalink | Comment | Email this
A single friend of mine is down in the dumps. He's miserable, angry, frustrated, you name it - and it shows. So when he asked me today why no one wanted to meet him off a dating site, I paused before answering. Because in my opinion? Mood does affect one's attractiveness. Without question. A number of years ago I did something I've since labeled my smiling experiment, where I spent an evening sharing my 100-watt smile to everyone I encountered on a busy weekend night. Prior to my very non-scientific test, I was in a similar head space as my friend. I couldn't attract someone for the life of me and it was really starting to get to me. So instead of moping about it, I went out and tried something new. I genuinely smiled. At everyone. Even though I really didn't feel like it, and even though (at the time) I felt horrible about myself. Within two hours my mood had changed dramatically - and with it, my attractiveness meter skyrocketed. With that story in mind, I wanted to tell my friend that all he had to do was change his mood. Somehow, he had to start feeling better about himself before he'd be attractive again. "Try some Wii Boxing," I suggested initially, thinking the endorphin rush would assist him in feeling better while still remaining tactful. He did, and it helped, but he was still frustrated - so I decided to share my smiling experiment trick. "Go for a walk and smile at everyone you encounter. I don't care who they are or what they are doing, just give them a smile that would light up any room, and then continue on your way. Don't ask for anything, don't linger, just smile and keep on walking. Then call me when you get back." My friend hasn't called me back yet, so I'm hoping that my tactic worked for him as well as its worked for me. But I'm curious: do you find that your mood affects your attractiveness? If so, what do you do to change it? Related: Attract Someone Myths, Why Can't I Create Chemistry?, How Low Self Esteem Affects Dating Relationships.How Much Does Mood Affect Your Attractiveness? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, May 3rd, 2010 at 03:02:45.Permalink | Comment | Email this
In the December 2009 edition of Scientific American Mind, there was a lengthy article discussing how we meet someone we marry, live with, or partner with (either short term or long term). Interestingly, some statistics presented in the article provided variations between the different relationship statuses and how we meet, and showed that it wasn't that different depending on how committed we were: the majority in all four scenarios meet through friends most of the time, with self-introduction and family members falling suit. Of course there were some predictable variations - such as short-term partnerships (read: casual relationships) meeting through self-introduction the most and family members the least - but I found the study results interesting. In the article, writers Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler tackle the seemingly debate-ridden stance that meeting the love of our lives has less to do with randomness and chance, and more to do with social networks than anything else. Out goes the romantic notion that a 'happy accident' or fate pulling people together such as in many a romantic comedy. No, the stats are quite clear: if you want to find someone to partner up with, no matter what kind of relationship you are looking for, use your social networks. But how about you? How did you meet your current, or last partner? Take the poll and let me know. Where Did You Meet? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Saturday, March 20th, 2010 at 00:08:26.Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Online Safety Tips
Shalini Katoch |
You spot this really cute guy
online. Few mails and messenger chats later, he’s
captured your attention, totally and completely. Before
you take a step further, Stop! And read through our
safety tips. It’s better to exercise caution now than
repent later.
Slow And Steady Wins the Race.
Remember this age
old adage? Go by it, because it makes much sense. Begin
by first communicating solely via email. Be on the
lookout for inconsistencies or eccentricities of
behaviour. Watch out for someone who seems too good to
be true. ‘Listen’ to your correspondent’s words. The
person at the other end may not be who or what s/he
says. Trust your instincts. If anything makes you
uncomfortable end the communication immediately, because
it’s nothing less than your safety that we are talking
about.
Stay Anonymous.
A little bit of
mystery helps in every relationship. And in online
dating it might even save your life! The ground rule of
Cyber Dating is – do not reveal any personal
information/ contact number or address under any
circumstance. Make sure your email signature file is
turned off. Never respond from your personal email
address which might have your name or surname in it.
Create a user id other than your genuine name say for
e.g. Take all the time you need to become
comfortable with your correspondent before revealing any
contact information. Ask questions and make sure you are
satisfied with the answers. Trust your instincts, move
cautiously and be selective.
Be Smart.
Online Dating requires you to be
in tune with what the surfer is saying. Be quick on your
uptakes. Being innocent, gullible and vulnerable is not
going to work in your favour. Any prospective suitor
must earn your trust gradually, through consistent,
honorable, forthright behavior. Don’t fall in love at
the click of a mouse. Don’t become prematurely intimate
with someone, even if that intimacy only occurs online.
Exchange Photographs.
It’s a good idea to
view several photographs of your online date before
becoming extremely familiar with the other. That helps
give a clear face to the person you are interacting
with. Viewing photos may also prove helpful in achieving
a gut feeling about your correspondent.
Talk on the Telephone.
Have known your
cyber date for a considerable period of time? Feel
secure and comfortable with him? If you feel ready then,
maybe you can take the relationship a step further and
exchange numbers. Communicating via phone can reveal
plenty about a person’s nature and social skills.
Protecting your security is worth the cost of the call.
Meet ONLY when YOU Are Ready.
Meeting has to be
your decision. And you have to be sure about it. Take
your time, get to know the person and only then take a
plunge. Go with your gut feeling, even when they cannot
be logically explained.
Watch out for Red alerts.
Pay attention to
displays of anger, intense frustration or attempts to
pressurize or control you. Acting in a
passive-aggressive manner, making demeaning or
disrespectful comments or any physically inappropriate
behaviour are all red flags. You should be concerned if
your date exhibits any of the following without an
acceptable explanation
• Offers inconsistent information
about age, interests, appearance, marital status, job,
etc. • Refuses to speak to you on the phone even after
ongoing online intimacy. • Fails to give direct answers
to direct questions. • Appears significantly different
in person from his/ her online persona. • Never
introduces you to friends, colleagues or family
members.-indiaimes.com
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Meet in a safe place.
When you choose to meet offline, always keep a friend
informed about your whereabouts. Leave your dates name and contact
number with a friend. Never arrange for your date to pick you up
at home. Meet up in an open public place during the day, avoid
shady areas. A familiar restaurant, pub or a coffee shop, at a
time when a lot of other people will be present, is often a good
choice. If you decide to move to another location and are driving,
take your own car. When the timing is right, thank your date for
getting together and say goodbye.
Take extra caution outside your
area. If you are traveling to another city or town for the
date, arrange for your own car and hotel room. Do not disclose the
name of your hotel and never allow your date to make the
arrangements for you. Rent a car or take a taxi on arrival direct
to your hotel. Call your date from the hotel or meet at the
location you have already agreed to. Always make sure a friend or
family member knows your plans and has your contact information.
If possible carry a mobile phone at all times.
Be PROACTIVE not
REACTIVE .
If you are in any way afraid of your date, use
your best judgment to diffuse the situation and get out of there.
Excuse yourself long enough to call a friend for advice, ask
someone else at the scene for help or slip out of the back door
and get away. If you feel you are in danger, call the police; it's
always better to be safe than sorry. Never worry or feel
embarrassed about your behavior; your safety is much more
important than one person's opinion of you.
All this
in place. Be yourself. Go ahead and have a wonderful
time! |
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